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Most of us believe we’re “right” about our basic beliefs like politics, religion, how we make decisions, live our lives and perhaps how others should live theirs.
The reality is we’re not objective. Our beliefs are the product of biases (like confirmation bias) and our unique experiences, which impact how we see the world. This article discusses many common biases.
Few believe their views are influenced by biases, but those same people may believe others are more biased than they are, and those biases impact their beliefs.
We’re often wrong
While we tenaciously hold onto our beliefs, we’re often wrong.
In their book, 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology, four prominent psychologists debunked widespread myths about human behavior.
It turns out that most people do use more than 10% of their brain power; subliminal messages don’t persuade people to purchase products, playing Mozart’s music to infants doesn’t boost their intelligence and hypnosis isn’t useful for retrieving memories of forgotten events.
Yet – here’s where it gets interesting – if you hold these beliefs, you’re unlikely to be persuaded you’re “wrong.”
Why changing our mind is difficult
Our brains are made up of approximately 100 billion brain cells (called neurons). When we engage in an activity, like riding a bike or holding a belief, these neurons create a pathway. Over time, this pathway becomes a well-established groove that makes it easy to repeat that activity and reaffirms your belief.
The brain is quite lazy. It defaults to the path of least resistance. It’s possible to create a new pathway, but it takes time and focused effort.
The brain can find it difficult to distinguish between change that’s perceived as a threat, and change that’s viewed as an opportunity.
It’s easy to underestimate how difficult it is for us to change our minds.
In 1997, members of the Heaven’s Gate cultists purchased an expensive telescope so they could view a spaceship they were convinced was shadowing a comet. When the telescope failed to locate the spaceship, they asked for a refund.
The logical explanation for their problem was the spaceship didn’t exist. But they were so committed to their contrary belief, they blamed the telescope.
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If it’s important to you to be “right,” the other person must be “wrong.” When you are made to feel you are “wrong,” “[Y]ou feel small, insignificant, and powerless. Your voice doesn’t matter in the relationship. You get tired of trying to be heard, you give up or leave.”
Whether you are dealing with a loved one or a prospect, communicating you are “right” will be perceived as a negative. It’s also unlikely to change the mind of the other person.
A better way
There’s a better way. Start by recognizing that you may not be “right.” Have some humility about your views. Seek to understand the views of others by listening carefully and asking questions.
Replace judgment with empathy.
Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something.
Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research on his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, will be available November 15, 2021.
Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
