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A common assumption about financial therapy for couples is that the goal is to “fix” their financial disagreements. If they can just land on the right budget, the right system, or the right division of responsibilities, harmony will follow. I once believed this myself, both in my work and in my own marriage.
Then I learned something that changed the way I understand money conflict. According to research from couples therapists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, 69% of relationship problems are perpetual. They are not solvable or fixable; they can only be managed. Money is one of the most common places they show up because financial decisions touch so many aspects of who we are.
Perpetual problems aren’t about irresponsibility or poor communication. They grow out of fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle needs. One partner needs order; the other needs spontaneity. One thrives on security; the other values freedom. One feels stressed unless the bills are paid early; the other doesn’t think about the bills until they’re due.
Identifying the “Emotional Tornado”
The difference between perpetual and solvable problems is not necessarily related to the type of money issue. For some couples, a conflict over investing or holiday spending may be no more than logistics that can be handled with a conversation and a plan. For others, the same topics may trigger something much deeper.
I’ve sat with couples who can talk rationally about investments or retirement, but the moment the topic shifts to discretionary spending, saving habits, or generosity to family members, something shifts. Shoulders rise. Tones sharpen. The discussion starts to feel less like sorting out a budget and more like defending one’s identity.
The Gottmans call this gridlock. I call it the “emotional tornado zone.” It can turn a simple disagreement into something far more turbulent.
Gridlock is a sign that something important is not being acknowledged. Behind every gridlocked money conflict is a dream, a value, or a fear that hasn’t yet been honored. Maybe one partner grew up with scarcity and needs a sense of safety before they can relax. Maybe the other grew up without much freedom and sees spending as a symbol of independence. These are stories rooted in identity.
I have watched couples soften immediately once these underlying dreams begin to surface. Instead of debating the price of a vacation or the size of the emergency fund, the conversation shifts to the deeper meaning: “I need to feel safe,” or “I need to feel alive,” or “I want to know we’re building a future,” or “I want to enjoy the present while we have it.”
Moving From Gridlock to Dialogue
The goal with perpetual, unsolvable problems is to move from gridlock to dialogue. You don’t have to agree. You do have to understand.
This starts with curiosity, what the Gottmans call uncovering the hidden dream. Ask each other why this issue feels so important. What dream is the saver protecting? What dream is the spender pursuing?
Honoring a partner’s dream doesn’t mean adopting it. It means showing genuine interest in the meanings underneath, even if you don’t share them. When both partners feel seen and heard, the emotional charge begins to ease. The tornado winds down.
From there, it becomes possible to compromise and create the kind of workable truce that gives both partners room to breathe. Over time, these small agreements build trust, which makes space for bigger conversations.
When partners come to understand what underlies their perpetual money conflicts, they can learn to adapt and manage the differences rather than struggling to eliminate them. Their goal shifts from trying to fix the unfixable to building a deeper, stronger connection that allows room for their differing needs.
Rick Kahler, MS, CFP®, CFT-I™, CeFT®, CCIM, is the founder of Kahler Financial Group, a Rapid City, SD-based fee-only Registered Investment Advisor.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
