When the Indirect Approach Works Best

by Beverly Flaxington, 1/14/26

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Dear Bev,

I’m on a small team, there are six of us. The partners are a married couple, and both are easy to talk to, and supportive of our team. Sometimes when there are tough decisions to make (especially when something is going to cost money) they will defer to each other. The wife says “Ask Joe” and the husband says “Ask Lisa.” It sounds crazy, but they can do this back and forth with one another five or six times without reaching an answer.

I’ve recently been promoted to a COO role on the team. The other three team members have been asking me to prioritize fixing this dynamic between “Joe” and “Lisa.” However, I don’t believe it is my place to do this. More importantly, they have been married for 32 years, and I don’t anticipate them changing their behavior.

Rather than confront them and tell them this approach is ineffective, is there some way I could get them to see the ping-pong game they ask us to play is frustrating and leads nowhere?

Anonymous

Dear Chief Operating Officer,

Human behavior is far and away the most challenging aspect of any team — large or small. Add in family dynamics, and there is often plenty of “crazy” to go around. I agree completely with you that you can’t confront something like this. Showing them their behavior and letting them know how it impacts the team would likely be unproductive. They have had many, many years to hone this approach, and one conversation with you (even if they had a major “a-hah!” experience) is not going to change them.

I’m wondering if you could take a different approach. It’s the beginning of a new year, which many see as a chance to review what has been done and talk about ways to make things more efficient and effective. Perhaps you could open a general conversation about the decision-making process within the firm.

Now that you are in a COO role, is there a way you could be a final arbitrator on things? Or are there certain decisions, including spending money up to limits, where you could be the one to decide what should be done? I think rather than hit the problem they create via their style head-on, you would have more success changing the established pattern by talking more generally about how best to make decisions, who should make them, timelines for making decisions and so on.

You might find this would actually take pressure off of them, and they would be relieved to have a different approach. The back and forth likely causes each of them stress as well. After all, most likely they just don’t want to be the one credited or blamed if the decision leads to an undesirable outcome.

Use this chance to step back with them, consider what changes could be made, and put yourself in the process so you have more control over what gets decided — and when.