Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
Dear Bev,
I’m a female advisor, in my 50s, working on a really great team of very talented individuals (all of whom are men). I get along with my colleagues and, because my husband and I spend time outside of work with them and their families, I know them very well.
The problem is that one of my partners who is younger than me — call him “Ted” — is a terrible listener. I know people say they know someone who doesn’t listen well, and I know men are stereotypically poor listeners. That said, Ted is in a class by himself. He doesn’t listen to clients, and in personal settings, he is even worse. He cuts people off; he will literally say, “What did you say?” multiple times in a conversation because he wasn’t paying attention; and he actively disengages by looking away or starting to check his phone.
Ted is one of the smartest people I have ever known. He manages my family’s money, and he does an exceptional job. There is no problem with his capabilities. However, the inability to truly listen is distracting. I’ve had clients call me after joint meetings to repeat something to me, because they are “afraid Ted didn’t really listen well enough to know what we asked.”
This habit spills over into his personal life. His wife gets irritated, but she makes jokes about it, saying she has had his doctor test him for hearing loss. According to her, his hearing is fine, and it’s his listening that doesn’t work.
I have a great relationship with Ted, and it’s out in the open about his poor listening. Yet he seems to wear it as a badge of honor. He’ll say that’s why he brings me to meetings — because I am the empathetic and caring advisor. I believe listening is a skill, and he could be better at it, if he tried.
I’m not sure how to broach the subject, and I definitely don’t want to damage our professional or personal relationship. In an ironic twist, I’m asking if I can find a way to get someone who doesn’t listen well to listen to me so I can help him.
Anonymous
Dear Advisor,
First of all, you are absolutely right that listening is a skill that can be taught, can be learned, and can be practiced. We devote a great deal of our learning workshops to this topic, because it isn’t enough to learn great questions to ask or to know how to present well if you aren’t a good listener. All of the prep work for a meeting can go out the window if the prospect or client doesn’t think you are engaged and care about what they are saying.
That said, like any skill, a person has to want to learn. Your first hurdle is that Ted doesn’t seem to acknowledge his poor listening is causing any problems. He is smart, he is doing good work for clients, and it sounds like your team is strong — so why change anything? We also hear this a great deal from advisors. When everyone is making a lot of money and clients are staying, what is there to worry about or fix?
Of course, we both know clients can be very indulgent when the markets are strong and their portfolios look good. However, when a personal crisis arrives for a client, the markets take a dive, or something concerning happens, the strength of the relationship gets thrown into question. If a client doesn’t think their advisor is really listening to them, they might take that opportunity to find another advisor who does. Counting on clients to keep ignoring Ted’s egregious lack of listening is probably risky.
You have two options here:
1. Continue to let Ted be Ted, and do what you are doing now, which is to provide the listening piece of the equation. Let him present his updates, show how smart he is, and keep serving clients well, while you bring more connectivity for the client in terms of listening and following up. Some people can get entrenched in their behaviors, be they negative or positive. They can even stubbornly resist change, which it sounds like Ted is doing.
You can keep partnering with him in a way that covers for this skill he does not possess. This is why married couples — and even friends — are often opposites. The truth is opposites attract, because a significant other or friend might have a skill set I don’t have. Together we make a great whole. Perhaps thinking of it this way can make it more palatable for you.
2. The second option, of course, is to have a heart-to-heart with Ted and tell him that you are tired of playing the support role of good listener and that you’d like to see him improve his skills in this area. There are a few techniques you could suggest he employ — my favorite is reflective listening. Engage in conversation and have Ted ask you 3–4 questions. He then has to compile your answers into a story to tell back to you.
Reflective listening shows not only that you are listening to someone, but that you can connect the dots, or core sentiments, of what they are saying. It sounds easier than it is. When I have advisors practice this, it takes a few tries for them to get it right. You could also ask him to simply put his phone away and work on using body language to show active listening. That would entail things like leaning in, making eye contact when someone is speaking, nodding his head that he is listening and then perhaps asking a good follow-up question to show he is engaged. These are definitely learnable skills but they do take practice.
While I would always prefer someone be a good listener — because it generally makes for a better partner in any aspect of life — you have to get Ted to agree to try something new. If he is adamant that this is who he is and he considers it a badge of honor, then option #1 is really your only option. Otherwise, you are worrying about something you simply cannot fix and focusing on an obstacle that is out of your control. To save your power, control the controllable. See if he is willing and open to work with you on Option #2. If not, keep providing the support clients expect to ensure their needs are met.
Dear Bev,
I am in an Associate Advisor role. I am getting more involved with clients and have chances to speak and present in meetings. I’m realizing that I am more shy than I ever knew myself to be. I know I am more introverted than extroverted but didn’t realize I was this afraid. When I sit and wait for my turn to talk, my hands are sweaty and my heart is racing. Am I in the wrong career if I can’t speak comfortably to a client?
I.P.
Dear I.P.,
Introvert, rise up! Many excellent advisors are not highly sociable individuals. You don’t have to be a back-slapping, party-going person or great at engaging with prospects and clients to be a strong advisor. What’s happening to you right now is not “shyness,” nor is it your inability to communicate effectively. It’s fear of public speaking, and probably fear of being judged by your senior advisor and/or the client in the room with you.
Try practicing calming techniques before you go into these meetings. Deep breathing is very effective and can calm your heartrate and your nervous system. When you are not speaking, listen attentively to what others are saying. The mind can only focus on one thing at a time, so shift your focus from what you need to do and say next, and put it on what else is happening. Then you won’t be so consumed with waiting for your turn to speak.
This is all about practice and getting more comfortable. It isn’t about your inability to be a great advisor. You will find your way of engaging and being at ease over time. Refrain from using (or thinking) words like “shy” when describing yourself. This is a learning curve, and you will improve the more you work on it. Give yourself a break for now.
Read more from Beverly Flaxington here:
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025 and 2026. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching Executive MBA students Leadership and Managing Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
A message from Advisor Perspectives and VettaFi: Discover something new! Click here to register for our upcoming webcasts.
Read more articles by Beverly Flaxington
Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
